Some Things

Everyone remembers Hitler, right? Remember the whole appeasement thing where everyone just said "yeah sure, take the Sudetenland. Have what you want, what more could you possibly need?" Then...y'know, he kept going and for some time was an unstoppable force? All of those European nations sort of looked around and said "well fuck." I often feel like those European nations. Even when I was a wee lad playing army men with my brother, he'd always have to win and I'd always let him. No matter how accurate my little green men's shots were, he'd always have some sort of blocking device or a "nah-ah, you missed" where I'd then be overpowered, told that I was wrong and eventually all of my troops would be obliterated. Instead of saying "hey you ass-faced moron who'll eventually drive a crappy car and date some sort of hideous pig-dog and make kissy faces all the time, you can't have your way all the time" I said "that's not fair" or "yes I did so blow him up!" All my life I've lived by other peoples' rules, but by demonstrating some sort of rebellion or defiance, trying to show that I'm not just the scrawny little kid that everyone treated me as. And while I learned to be the guy who helped folks out and was able to share, etc. I never quite learned the art of asserting authority and saying "this is how it's going to be." I've acquired some skills in that field, but when it comes down to it, I still agree to play by other peoples' rules. Maybe that's why I still take orders from people that I'd much rather see take a tumble down a flight of stairs. But there is one thing that I have gained from being this way. I learned to keep fighting no matter how tough things get or how bleak the outlook is. Though I often wish I could run away from everything, the fact is that I'm not going to cut and run from an issue because I don't think I can deal with it. I learned to live in discomfort and to become comfortable in harsh environments and less than favorable situations, no matter how often I get into them, be it by my own hand or someone else's good graces choosing to get me down. I know that this sounds awfully big of me and kind of conceited, but I keep wishing that people would stop taking advantage of the kindness I show them and continuously hope that people would stop walking all over me and showing little remorse after having done it, but I realize that I can't just wish and hope for it to end. Wishing and hoping doesn't get you anywhere. It's going to happen until I put my foot down and say no to people. I missed out on ample amounts of good things because I was too insecure and too passive to stand up for myself or to even raise my voice. I can say that's not going to happen anymore, but that would be a lie. It will happen eventually, but I have to try to be more conscious about it and only then will I gain the authority I need to get ahead. Some of you recognize this within me and have supported me and guided me on my way to excellence. Hell, I'll be working with one or more of you eventually in the field of excellence. I'm grateful for the support. Apparently there's something in me that you folks see that I'm still trying to clear up in myself. Something tells me that I'm on the winning team. In an argument that I believe sums everything up, I said the following to one of my former roommates: "You may think you know Andy Suarez, but you don't know Andy Suarez." Well...some of you do.